No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
