It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
