I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
