my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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