YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
