Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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