i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
