Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
