I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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