Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
