Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
