It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize