I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize