I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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