Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
