I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
