One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
