dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
