beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
