sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Your penis caused this!
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