I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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