I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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