And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
