Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
