Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
