Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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