omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
