I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
