So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
