I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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