You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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