I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize