We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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