Will you blow on my dice?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
