you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
