if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she looked like the before picture.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
