The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
