dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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