walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
