My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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