Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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