he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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