On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
