Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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