Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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