My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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