i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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