In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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