I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Randomize
