No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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