woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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