There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
