I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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