He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
