did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Non-Jews are for practice
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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