Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
