I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
