I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
