I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
