This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm passing your future prison.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
