is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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