somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
