I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
