Barsexuality is the new black.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
