I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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