i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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