so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
