my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
