I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
