I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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