Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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