i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
