Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
