I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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