I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize