Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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